Aragog's Entry in the Contest
by aragog
Summary: My entry into Imp, Peevsie-weevsie, a Small Bomb, and Peter Pettigrew's contest. No way it will win...but it was fun to write. Contains Monty Python. You have been warned.


  
A/N: This is for a competition with Imp, Peevsie-weevsie, a Small Bomb and Peter Pettigrew. They'll win, of course.... Harry& Co belong to J.K.Rowling, of course, and the rest, um, mostly Monty Python. (whoo hoo!) I wrote this while totally coherant. I have not a pop or chocolate bar for several weeks. So, does this count points to me that I'm insane without sugar...?  
  
  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione walking through Forbidden Forest.  
  
"Really, m'dear Hermione, you can't wear GOLD platforms, the colour this season is magenta!" cries Ron, staring at Hermione's feet.  
  
"Too bad. You're wearing BLUE ones!" snaps Hermione, pointing at Ron's shoes.  
  
"I like red better," replys Harry vaguely.  
  
"LOOK! WHAT'S THAT!" yells Ron, pointing up the path.  
  
"If you yell, they'll hear us!" whimpers Harry, hiding behind a large herring which appeared out of nowhere. Something moves in the distance.  
  
A group of Knights on stilts with deer-antlers on their heads emerge.   
  
"We are the Knights of NI! We guard the words of Fluffy: Ni, Nu, and Nir!"  
  
"AIEE! Not the Knights of Ni!" wails Harry, crouching lower.  
  
"HEY!" Hermione suddenly shouts, walking up to one of the Knights,"You're not supposed to be here!"  
  
The Knight removes his antlers and is revealed to be Voldemort,"This is just a part time job. You know, to pay the phone bills and provide money for my hobby of Muggle Chess."  
  
"WIZARD CHESS IS BETTER!" bellows Ron,"I challenge you to a game of chess!"  
  
Voldemort pauses momentarily, then says,"Fine. On the space-shuttle Mir in five minutes?"  
  
"You're on!" Ron and Voldemort disappear.  
  
"Good riddance.Never liked him, anyway. He'd never let me play Fury on the computer back at the hideout," mutters a Knight. Everyone murmers and nods their head in agreement.  
  
"So, um, what exactly do you guys do, other than say Ni?" says Hermione.  
  
"She said the word! She said the word!"  
  
"What'd I say?"  
  
"Have mercy, dear child, mercy on our ears!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Ack! Stop it! Stop it!"  
  
"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!?!?!" wails Hermione, frustrated with the Knights.  
  
"You oughta know what...THE CURSE IS UPON ME! I HAVE SAID THE WORD!" With a loud OINK the Knight disappears.  
  
"YOU'VE KILLED OUR HEAD HONCHO! YOU WILL PAY!" howls the rest of the Knights. They begin to chase Hermione around the clearing. She climbs up a tree and begins bouncing her golden platforms off their antlers.  
  
"Got you on your conk! Hermione:Fifty points, Knights:NONE!" she laughs gleefully.  
  
Harry continues to crouch behind the giant herring, rocking back and forth, singing softly to himself,"Its a small world after all, its a small world after all..."  
  
Draco Malfoy appears,"LOOK! ITS THE KNIGHTS OF NI! I LOVE MONTY PYTHON!" He runs over and asks for their autographs.  
  
Once all the Knights have signed Draco's bright pink deer-stalker cap (like what Sherlock Holmes wears), he becomes so overjoyed about meeting the Knights of Ni that he suggests they all sing the great Monty Python song, Spam.  
  
"Spam, glorious Spam!  
  
(the Spam the Spam the Spam)  
  
Spam, glorious Spam!  
  
Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!  
  
Spaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!"  
  
The group of Knights, Draco, and Hermione march off, leaving Harry singing to himself behind the herring.  
  
Snape appears. He turns his face towards the sky and yells,"Aragog, you deceiving little fanfic writer, don't you dare make me run around in a tutu or kiss McGonagall or do anything else like that!"  
  
A girls voice with a faint Scottish accent replies,"Will you sing a song?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Fine, then, be that way!"  
  
Snape turns to Harry,"Stop singing that stupid song! Its annoying."  
  
"So'er you."  
  
"SHUT UP AND GET ME SOME MACADAMA NUTS!!"  
  
Harry magiks a jar of them and tosses it at Snape,"May purple monkeys follow you around singing 'God Save the Queen' for the rest of your days!"  
  
"May McGonagall adopt you!"  
  
"May all the Senior Citizens in Texas put red socks in your white wash and dye your underwear PINK!"  
  
"May flying nuns drown you in white-out!"  
  
"All the goldfish in the world eat your PINK underwear!"  
  
"I fart in your general direction!"  
  
"Your mother was a gerbil, your father smelled of Polyjuice!"  
  
"Shut up, the both of you!" roars Dumbledore, who had appeared just after the first PINK underwear quip,"There's more deaths caused each year by donkeys than plane crashes, and only fifteen solid gold telephones, so I get ALL the Rolos!"  
  
The faint Scottish accent voice reappears,"Go Dumbledore! Only YOU deserve the Rolos!"  
  
*in the distance* "Wonderful Spam! (wonderful Spam)  
  
Wonderful Spam! (wonderful Spam)  
  
Spam! Spam! Spaaaaaaaaaaam!"  
  
Harry looks out from behind his herring,"Here they come."  
  
"What've you guys been up to?" Hermione says, quite out of breath. The Knight behind her disappears with an OINK. Dumbledore looks around, calling "Where's the pig? Where's the pig?"  
  
"Insulting each other," reply Harry and Snape.  
  
"And Ron?"  
  
"Him 'n' Voldemort are still up in space, playing chess."  
  
"Wizard or Muggle?"  
  
"Dunno. Hey, where're your shoes?" Harry realizes that Hermione's gold platforms are gone.  
  
"He ate them," Hermione pointed at Draco, who was chewing on a sparkly shoe strap.  
  
"Take mine. I've got a pair of heels in my pocket." Harry gave Hermione the red platforms, taking one purple, one yellow shoe out of his pocket and putting them on.  
  
"There's no place like home! There's no place like home! There's no place like home!" Hermione clicked her heels and vanished in a cloud of blue smoke.  
  
"How rude! Didn't even tell me where the pig was," Dumbledore wailed, now prodding the herring with his wand.  
  
"My herring!" cried Harry.  
  
"Our herring!" bellowed the Knights,"To get out of the forest, one of you has to eat it."  
  
They all stared blankly at the fish.  
  
"I won't eat it, Potters left cooties on it," said Snape.  
  
"I think it's plastic," said Dumbledore, peering closer at it.  
  
"I'll eat it," shouted Draco, slurping down the shoe strap, and begining to chew on the fin.  
  
Ron and Voldemort reappear.   
  
"Who won the chess game?" asked Harry.  
  
"No one. Couldn't decide which type to play. We wrote a book instead," smiled Ron. He tossed a pile of papers into the air.  
  
Girl's voice,"This is...Chicken Soup for the Shania Twain lovers soul? This is American! You're British!"  
  
"And we wrote it on a Russian space dock. All countries should unite as one called Hannabal the Cannibal, in honour of my Uncle Vincent!" Voldemort yells.   
  
The Knights of Ni begin to look murderous,"Again, you have insulted us, you silly English pig who drinks from a trough! Hannabal the Cannibal stole our Palm-Masters, and we missed our denture, er, dental appointments because of him! To have a Knight of Ni even suggest naming something after him is a horrible mistake!"  
  
"Oh...dear," Voldemort pales, if he could even get any whiter, and starts to run off in the opposite direction. He disappears with an OINK before reaching the end of the clearing.  
  
"Let us laugh the Knights laugh! Ni haha Nu haha Nir haha!"  
  
Hagrid appears, holding a large tub of Butterbeer, and places the herring, now missing a fin, inside it.  
  
"Yeh blooming idiots! This is mah Aunt Gerard! She's an Animagi!"  
  
"No, she's our herring!"  
  
"And my lunch!"  
  
"She's MY Aunt!"  
  
With a pop, the herring turns into Cornelius Fudge. He kisses Hagrid on the cheek, slaps Snape, and flies off into the sunset crowing,"I'm king of the world! I'm king of the world..."  
  
"The herring's gone. Can we leave?" asks Snape.  
  
"Wait for Tim the Sorcerer,"  
  
"I ate him," replies Draco, burping.  
  
"Oh." The Knights look defeated,"You may leave, with all the blessings of a bag of joysticks!"  
  
"Where's my shoes?" says Ron. Snape burps.  
  
  
  
THE END TO A NOT EVEN REMOTELY FUNNY STORY.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
